i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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