This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
