I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
