Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize