I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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