Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize