if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
