I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
