Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
