I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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