you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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