someone get that fucking seahorse.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
