I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
