im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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