I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
