i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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