I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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