I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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