I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
