He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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