so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
