im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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