Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
