i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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