Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
