My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
