My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
