I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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