I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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