i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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