Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
