I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
