No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
