ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
