Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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