my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
