Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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