sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
