I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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