I want to have your abortion
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
