Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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