Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
