I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
