my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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