Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
