I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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