Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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