I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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