It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
