the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
