the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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