win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
