Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
