He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
