He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
