ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
