I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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