Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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