im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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