Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
