I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
